‘I can’t think of anyone better to show me around Manchester than Funky Si…’
Updated: 6 days ago
Into Manchester’s crowded music tour market steps a man armed only with a brolly, a fistful of funny stories and musical pedigree that’s hard to argue with. Simon Wolstencroft - former drummer with The Fall as well as early versions of The Smiths and The Stones Roses - has launched his Funky Si Walking Tours. Cult Manchester’s David Nolan tagged along to see how things worked out. 'Mind the cobbles!' Photos by Katherine Macfarlane.
10.15am
The meeting point is The Angel pub just off Rochdale Road. The theme for this walk is ‘The Fall and Beyond’ - different themes are coming up for future tours, including a Halloween one.
Simon arrives nice and early, sporting a rolled-up umbrella that is later revealed to have a map of the world on it. He spots Team Cult straight away. Warm greetings are delivered in Simon’s distinctive, uber-Manc tones; not for nothing is Funky Si known as Manchester music’s Mr Nice Guy. With him are Richard, his website designer, and Simon’s partner, Lou Lou. Both are on Mother Hen duty for Simon and the 20-strong crowd. ‘Mind the cobbles!’ is a regular warning and I’m tasked with making sure Simon doesn’t get run over when he’s talking mid-street.
'It started with The Fall: Futures and Past Weekend,' explains Lou Lou. 'They asked Simon would he like to deliver some walking tours. They sold out immediately. Frank Skinner came along, as well as visitors from Australia and Denmark. Lots of people then asked if he could he do more - three months later, here we are.'
Today, there’s a family from Canada, a few couples, a bloke who lives in Amsterdam, a guy from Aberdeen, a buff-looking personal trainer and his mate, some very ‘Manc’-looking locals and two lads who were at Primal Scream the night before; they’re both nursing some early morning tins. Where are you going later, I ask? Back for night two of Primal Scream, they reply. Hardcore.
Just before we start, I ask Simon what the folks here can expect from what’s been billed as a two-hour tour.
Simon: They're going to hear stories about my time, not only in The Fall, but early bands from school with Ian Brown and John Squire… and everything in between.
Cult Manchester: There’s quite a lot of competition between music tours just now, even some argy-bargy...
Simon: I know there's a lot of Tom, Dick and Harrys doing it. There are some very good ones, too, I know that. I'm actually thinking of writing a comedy drama about rival walking tours, called Tour Wars, set in Manchester. What do you think? Do you like it? I've just got to get the script right, so if you're interested…
10.30 am
With voice set to ‘nasal’ and affability set to ‘max’, Simon leads the way as the tour starts. Three steps in and it starts bucketing down. But nothing is going to stop play today.
Simon: The show’s got to go on, Dave. You know that. I just crack on. It’s showbiz, innit?
We nip round the corner to the creative hub of 23 New Mount Street, with tales of James, promoters SJM, Inspiral Carpets and Noel Gallagher chatting up receptionists. There's also a demonstration of Mark E Smith’s Christmas party kung-fu dancing. ‘Mark used to say to me, Simon… if I’ve got a suit, a nice pair of brogues, a packet of cigs and enough for a pint, I’m happy.’ There’s no ‘side’ to the stories, no mean-spiritedness or score-settling. The tales are full of warmth and affection. And the crowd respond accordingly.
Then it’s on to Band on the Wall, the former Vanilla Fudge hairdressers and Andy Rourke’s mural. ‘I’m not nervous for him, says Lou Lou, talking about Simon’s first official tour under the Funky Si banner. ‘This is him. He loves talking to people about his musical career and he loves Manchester.’
Simon is literally hitting his stride now and setting a pretty brisk pace. ‘He likes to be punctual,’ says website-meister Richard. ‘I suppose it’s a key requirement for a drummer…’
Time to start working my way through the group for some chats.
Vicky and Nick from Middleton.
Vicky: We love tours and music is our passion. We saw this advertised on Facebook. He knows his stuff. He’s a lovely guy too.
Nick: We love the history of Manchester music as well. Si's telling us stories from the heart.
Craig from Amsterdam.
Craig: I’ve always been into Manchester since I was a kid. In 1990, I was 13. It hits you hard. And it doesn’t leave you. I’m interested in why Manchester produced so many good bands and still produces great music. I find it fascinating. I can’t think of anyone better to show me Manchester than Funky Si.
Michael and Martina from Toronto.
Martina: It’s really my husband you should talk to. He’s the biggest fan. We’re here on a trip with our daughter. The Fall are on every night at our house. I think we got the last three tickets. I like all the music, I just don’t know all the names of the songs. We lived here in the 90s and went to The Haçienda. That’s the dance club, right?
Michael: I grew up with Manchester music. Our local radio station in Toronto broke a lot of artists - they were the first to play The Smiths and The Fall. I’d probably say I’m an obsessive. I love all the Manchester bands. Si’s doing really well, putting everything into perspective as you’re walking the streets. You don’t realise when you pass a building that it has so much history and so much went on in there in the past.
11.25am
We’re nearly at the half-way point now and the rain has stopped. Si is telling us about Mark E Smith’s favourite Chinese restaurant.
11.30am
It starts raining again. We stop in Piccadilly Gardens. A woman approaches Simon and shows him her phone. She’s lost and wants directions, and she thinks the Funky One is a ‘regular’ tour guide. We help as best we can and the tour proceeds.
12pm
We’ve moved on to the Portland Bars and Crazy Face Jeans and the tales are flying thick and fast:
Mark E Smith mistaking Badly Drawn Boy for a taxi driver: ‘Take me to Stockport, cock!’
Si's time Working at Cosgrove Hall: ‘I worked there for a while painting the inner ear of Danger Mouse…’
And Mick Hucknall being rude to him: ‘What a singer, though. Me mum loved him…’
Then it’s on to the site of Pluto Studios, Legends nightclub and The Boardwalk. The sun comes out as we head towards The Haçienda via the canal (‘mind the water!').
12.20pm
Si is a little concerned that we should crack on as he doesn’t want to overrun. Steve from Broadheath speaks for the group when he says: ‘Overrun as much as you want, mate.’
Steve is clearly a Funky Si fan: ‘It’s mint. The knowledge he’s got… and to keep it going for two hours. It’s whizzed by - though my bladder's starting to go now.’
Stuart from Cheadle (originally from Wythenshawe) clearly knows his stuff too. When Si mentions a particular event or gig can be heard saying: ‘Yeah, I was at that...’ Despite this, even he is learning something from the Funky experience. ‘I’m picking up loads of information. Plus, there are things that Si’s probably remembering as he goes along! My wife booked it originally for my birthday - she can’t stand The Fall.’
12.45pm
Si is holding forth outside Manchester Central - he walks up some steps and starts his story, pointing up the road with his umbrella. Katherine, our photographer, takes a photo of him that could be hung in The Louvre. ‘Two more stops to go,’ Si says. There’s a slight groan of disappointment that we’re nearing the end.
1.10pm
The Nag’s Head. The Funky Si Walking Tour is over. We’ve put our 10,000 steps in and Si’s given us 40 minutes more than we were expecting. He invites the whole group into the pub for a drink. Virtually everyone takes him up on the offer, even the Canadian family - they’ve worked out they’ve got time for a quick one before they head over the river to Media City for the Coronation Street Tour. Richard’s happy, Lou Lou’s happy and Si is happy.
Simon: It was brilliant. Everybody's been really cool and made it dead easy for me. I've had a great time. Can't wait to do the next one, Dave.
CM: And value for money as well!
Simon: Well, it's overrun a bit. Half an hour, maybe. But I try to put my heart and soul into it. I don't want to just tell them, you know, like a robot… this is where this happened, that’s where that happened, you know. I was part of these stories. I still am.
CM: You deserve a pint.
Simon: Thanks, man. Let’s go!
Details of Si’s next tours can be found here. Thanks very much to Si, Lou Lou and Richard and all the people on the tour.
